Nov 11, 2015

The shit that happens when you are a working mama

It is no easy task working a full time job while being a mama and a wife.  These past weeks at work have proven to me something that I said I would never do... take work home with me often.  Now, taking work with me home every now and then is OK.  Whether I have some catching up to do or just need to get something done that is urgent.  But lately, I have been opening up my work laptop more often than I care for... all while baby giggles is with me.  At first it was because there is so much shit blowing up at work that it was just impossible to do everything during the day and for my own sanity I needed to get some stuff out of the way... but what I learned yesterday.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT.  When I work, I'm all in. I will do whatever I possibly can to get stuff out the door... but lately, work has been so bad that it's impossible to do that anymore, especially when a lot of other people don't have the same mindset as you.  So last night as I held a child who cried every time I put her down while cooking dinner and having my work laptop open on the counter top... that's when I realized I don't need to do this anymore.  I put in 250% now... so why am I putting that extra at home when I should be enjoying my time with  my family?  Because clearly I wasn't thinking.

But isn't this the battle with working moms all the time?  Being a mother is a full time job... on top of a working full time job... and then being a wife.

Let's get real though, this is the life of a working mom...

  • Gets up earlier than usual in morning to prepare bottles, diaper bags, etc. 
  • For some, wake up a baby and go through morning routine and get ready for daycare drop off. 
  • Coffee... grab the coffee because if not, you DAY IS RUINED AND YOU CAN'T FUNCTION. 
  • Go to work and pray that you outfit matches because most of the time, moms are getting ready in the dark.  Me, I get ready in the dark and yesterday I wasn't entirely too sure if my outfit made sense until I ask co-workers and they said "yeah you are great!"...  Win #1 of the day 
  • We work all day while constantly checking our cell phones in case a call comes in about the child.  Because you just never know when you will literally need to drop what you are doing to run home. 
  • Miss your child all day long.  This gets easier with time, but I know some mamas have a harder time than others. 
  • Grab more coffee... you know, to get you through that 4th meeting of the day that is most likely useless. 
  • Go the bathroom at 2pm at that's when you realize you have spit up on shirt.  yay!  This is of course AFTER you made a big presentation in front of all the big bosses. 
  • Shove your lunch down your throat to continue working... of course that's IF you even have time to eat. 
  • 4pm.... repeat to yourself how much time you have left and all the things you have to do when you get home. 
  • 5pm... realize you never defrosted meat for dinner.  HAPPENS TO ME EVERY FREAKING DAY. ugh. 
  • Sit in 45 minutes worth of traffic because people don't know how to drive. 
  • Get home and spend a few minutes with child before you decide what you can put together and call "dinner". 
  • Attempt to cook dinner with a child who is now standing in the kitchen playing with the knobs from the stove while you curse at yourself for not getting a safety gate that fits the wide opening of your kitchen. 
  • Pry child off while cooking and put TV on to entice her to stay in living room and curse at yourself for being a bad mother because you just sat your child in front of the TV so you can finish cooking food that will most likely get burnt after you turn away to yell at the dog who is french kissing your child who by the way thinks it's hilarious. 
  • The hubs walks through door and you think you have relief... but no, that never really works that way either when you have a child who just wants to be with mama because oh hey separation anxiety. 
  • Eat burnt dinner and then will yourself out of the seat to wash the dishes. 
  • Oh, it's 8pm and now you have to give child bath and bend over so your back can break even more.  
  • Make yet again another bottle of milk and hope your child falls asleep early today so you can at least enjoy 10 minutes of interrupted sitting. 
  • 10:30pm and child is partying it up and you are just sitting there thinking I am so tired and need to go to bed why won't she go to sleep. 
  • Baby is asleep and you feel like a mac truck hit you. 
  • Sleep and then get woken up 3 times throughout the night thanks to teeth that are bursting their way through your child's gums. 
  • Wake up and repeat.... oh hey new day. 

I am sure lots of mama's can relate to some or all of these things.  It's a hard life we lead, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

I am SO grateful that I have a job.  I am SO grateful that I can be a mama.  I am SO grateful for the crazy hectic life I lead.... because it means I am living. 

Now, I just need to keep repeating that to myself 500x over and over again when I have those particularly bad days. 

And to my working mama's... 

Nov 4, 2015

Throw me a towel


I am literally drowning in work thanks to being in season and a work load that is absolutely insane.  It's non-stop when I get to work and even when I get home.  But this is expected since it's our busiest season.  I knew this going in and just rolling with it and trying to stay afloat.

This cup right here, IT IS MY MANTRA.

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Oh how I wish drinking wine at work wasn't frowned upon.  I am pretty sure it would help my anxiety with the work coming through.  Maybe I can send that up to upper management as a recommendation.  That should go over well.

By the way, if you want to grab one of these for yourself, head over to Love In The City etsy shop and snag one!  She was awesome to work with and the cup came in the mail really fast!

Nov 2, 2015

Halloween and Marathons

It's November, how in the world did that happen.

And I know, I've been gone, for a long time and it kills me.  But when life is happening, sometimes you just need to step back and figure it out.  I think that's what I am doing now... hoping to figure it out.

But today I want to talk about how our Halloween went.  On Friday, work had a trick or treat event and the hubs was able to leave work early and bring Sophia along.  She was an owl for Halloween and let me tell you, it was quite hilarious.  This is best part of being a parent... dressing up your kids and laughing on the inside on how cute and funny they look.  Then Saturday we took the niece and nephew out for trick or treating.  I was looking forward to Saturday walking around with the kids while I strolled Sophia along.  Next year, she will be walking up and down the steps.. it's going to be so crazy! It's exciting to know that this will be our thing we do every year now with her.  The weather was great so that was a plus.  We enjoyed our time and got home exhausted!

Then Sunday morning we packed up and headed into the city.  Our dear friend was here from Florida ready to run the NYC marathon.  We were able to cheer him on and it was the greatest experience ever.  It's amazing to see so many people running for different reasons.  You can see some of them in pain and with the look of defeat... but we cheered for them, complete strangers, and they looked at us and gave a smile and kept running.  I don't think people realized that cheering really does help them get through those miles.  A lot of runners even wrote their names on their shirts so we started cheering for them via name.  It was hilarious because they would look at us with the "Do I know you face?" but we know that for some, we kept them going.  Our friend look SO GREAT running.  He had such a great pace and his face lit up when he heard us screaming like crazy when he passed.  We are so proud of him.  He did such an amazing job and I was honored to be there cheering him on as he embarked on this journey in memory of his mom.

What I also realized is that we live so close to the city, but rarely take advantage.  I can't stand going into the city.  It's just not my thing.  But yesterday I stood there underneath the World Trade center and thought to myself, this is an iconic place that we can be in within a half hour... how lucky am I to be able to enjoy it.  I know there are many of you who dream of a vacation in NYC because it's NYC! I felt like I never took advantage of living next to a place that everyone wants to visit once in their lifetime.  And now that we had ventured in the city with Sophia and stroller and diaper bag and EVERYTHING THAT GOES ALONG WITH TOTING A CHILD AROUND.. I realized, it wasn't that bad. We definitely got a workout going up and down stairs to subway with baby and stroller... but we made it. We had fun.  We can do this again.  I look forward to the next time we can go into the city to enjoy it.  Definitely a must.

Sep 16, 2015

Why Fall is better than Summer

It's no secret that I am not a big fan of summer, especially here on the east coast when every summer day is usually accompanied by 80% humidity. Not fun.  But now that we have hit September I am so excited because Fall is right around the corner.

  • Nothing better than the smell of Fall outside
  • Wrapping a light sweater around you while the crisp cool breeze is the best thing ever
  • Fresh pumpkins to make pumpkin pie
  • Being able to keep the windows open and no longer needed to blast an AC
  • Long walks while admiring the beautiful fall colors
  • Curling up with blankets while watching a movie at home with a cup of hot tea
  • Football season - hello fantasy football and buffalo wings
  • Hot chocolate with extra mini marshmallows
  • Changing colors of the leaves
  • Haunted houses during Halloween
  • Boots galore
  • Scarves galore
  • Winery trips with friends
  • Fall TV lineup returns

What do you love about Fall?

Sep 15, 2015

Taco flavored kisses, taco taco burrito burrito

If you don't know where the title of this post is from, then I don't think we can friends. Just saying.

But talking about tacos, we went to our very first taco festival on Saturday.  We had so much fun. There was a good amount of taco trucks and hot sauces galore.  We were able to try different varieties of tacos and we came out with full bellies.  At the end, hubs and I indulged in Coldstone Creamery ice cream to finish off the day.  We were literally in a food coma!  And blogger fail on my part, I didn't take one pic of the deliciousness we had.  It was a great day with friends to enjoy while we drank some Angry Orchard and watched lucha libre wrestling that was going on at the event.

Sunday we helped my brother move.  So happy that they will be closer to us now!  Amazing how much fun you can have with good friends while moving furniture into a house.  And when I say we I mean NOT me because I had a child who was attached to my hip who didn't want to go to anyone.  So I was there for moral support. And also, friends who help move, stay together! LOL

 Did you do anything fun this weekend?

Sep 9, 2015

Causal Farm Chic

Happy Wednesday, we are halfway through the week.  You can push through!  This is based on the assumption that this "short" week thanks to the holiday feels like the longest work week ever for you as it does for me. But let's talk about the long weekend.  On Saturday we had a wedding to go to for our dear friend and boy did she blow it out of the park with all the details.  The wedding took place on a farm and the weather was perfect! The setting was beautiful and it was so nice to enjoy the outdoors at such a fun event.

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I felt great in my dress and had a good make up and hair day... WIN!

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And when you wear hot pink lipstick and it comes out perfect... another WIN!

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Thanks to my brother for watching baby giggles for us, hubs and I were able to enjoy a great day/night out.  We laughed, we drank, we danced and we ate fantastic food.

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This was the first wedding we have gone too that was on a farm.  I was glad I read their website and wore wedges so my heels didn't sink into the grass. Ha!  It was also a great time for us to catch up with some old friends that we haven't seen in a while.  It was pretty much a reunion! I am so grateful that this wedding brought all of us together.

For the rest of the weekend we relaxed and didn't do much.  Did some shopping for baby giggles and watched movies.   We haven't had a chill weekend in a long time so it felt great to recharge.

How was your holiday weekend? Did you do anything fun?

Sep 4, 2015

When you get to catch up with friends over wedding bliss

Tomorrow we have a wedding to go.  I am excited because I know we will see a group of friends that we don't get to see often.

Thanks to my brother who will be watching baby giggles for us, we will be able to enjoy the wedding. Thanks bro!  Also, the weather is suppose to be absolutely beautiful for an outdoor wedding.  There are some friends flying in for the occasion so there will be so many good laughs and memories had.  I am so glad to say that I became really close with friends who I met through my husband through his fraternity.  They are just awesome people, and shhh... some of then love me more than they do my husband. HA!  But don't tell the hubs that, I think he's still in denial.

I can't wait to share pics of my dress.  It was something that I saw on the hanger and said, "Eh, might as well try it." and I ended up LOVING it.  It's so DIFFERENT from my norm and it's such a fun dress.  It's not something I would have ever even tried on.  My mom was with me when I bought the dress and she even approved!  You know if it's mom approved, you are good to go, especially when you have a mother who is brutally honest with you. Oh vey.

I am also sure we will have beautiful pictures from the venue, they are getting married on a farm!

Keep up to date with me on Insta!

Happy Friday my peeps.

Sep 1, 2015

And just like that....

Oh hey there!  I know, it's been a long time since I've visited this little space of mine.  But I have good reason to be so absent... I was out enjoying so much of the summer which has been insane for us that trying to find 5 minutes to visit here seemed impossible.

So much has happened since I last wrote.

  • My contract gig with work ended.... after a long two years I found out in July that it was going to officially end.  So with that, I started the process of job hunting.  At first, I heard nothing... then all of a sudden, I was getting phone calls all day long and had a gazillion phone interviews and a gazillion in person interviews.  Then it came down to two positions that were on the same exact schedule... I chose a position as a Project Manager... which meant I stayed working for the company that I freelanced for, just a different department. and most importantly, as a full time permanent employee.   Funny how that works huh?  I am super excited to be in a challenging role that is new to me.  So far, I am enjoying it.  There's a lot of changes and new things being thrown around, but that stuff is what excites me and I thrive in a new, challenging environment.  I have made myself uncomfortable and it's amazing.  Remember, the minute you get comfortable in your job... that tells you that YOU need to change something.  I was too comfortable and glad that I was forced to realize that.  
  • I have a ONE YEAR OLD.  I can't believe that a year has passed since we were blessed with our baby girl. This time last year was hard for us as we had a baby in the NICU.  But here we are now with a healthy baby girl who loves to giggle just like me and is filled with life and love.  We couldn't ask for more.
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  • Apparently all of our friends decided to get married this year.  We have gone to one wedding two weeks ago which was fun.  I had the best experience ever going dress shopping for it as well.  Went into the fitting room with 3 dresses to begin with and walked out with 1 of them.  I think we were in the store for an hour.  I felt great and everyone complimented me saying it looked good so WIN. This Saturday we have another wedding and then another one in October. Wedding bells are ringing! And our wallets are hurting. LOL
  • And just like that, September is here.  The summer is winding down and I can't wait for the fall weather to come!  I am not a big fan of this heat wave we have this week. 

Jul 13, 2015

Because I LOVE makeup which means giveaway for you!

This is a sponsored post

As you all know, I LOVE me some makeup.  Rarely do I walk out of the house without something on my face.  Just recently at work we were chit chatting about what one piece of make up you would take if you were stuck on an island, and I legit could not choose.  I actually asked the question If I can take two... and even with that, I was boggling my mind trying to decide what would it be.

Well, I was lucky enough to be able to review some makeup which I wear on a daily basis.  I reviewed the following...

Olay Regenerist® Micro-Sculpting Cream™  is a moisturizer that penetrates deep into your skin's surface layers to fight the look of fine lines and wrinkles. I used this and noticed a difference in my skin.  My skin tone brightened up and was firmer after just two weeks of use.  Definitely recommend this!

  • Reveals brighter, younger-looking skin
  • Gives you visible wrinkle results starting day 1 (reduces the appearance of lines and boost hydration and brightness)
  • Reduces the look of 10 years of wrinkles in 4 weeks (makes skin noticeably firmer and improves skin's elasticity)
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CoverGirl® LashBlast Volume Mascara is designed to max out each and every lash, leaving you with ultimate big-lash look.  I am ALL about a good mascara that makes my lashes dark and long.  With this mascara, you don't even need to use a lash curler.  LOVE it so much that I am going to stock up! 
  • Has a patented volume-boosting hypoallergenic mascara formula
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CoverGirl® Perfect Point Plus Eyeliner pencil is self-sharpening and glides on easily so you get the perfect line every time.  Best part, this pencil sharpens itself which means I can throw it in my bag and don't ever have to worry about a dull pencil.  BEST. INVENTION. EVER.

  • Includes a smudger tip
  • Gives you control and versatility
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CoverGirl® CG Smoothers Pressed Powder helps minimize the appearance of imperfections for a beautiful, smooth complexion.  It was super easy to find a matching shade for my skin tone and the perfect touch up during the day.

  • Desinged with AquaCurrent Science
  • Is a conditioning formula with chamomile
  • Creates a perfectly finished look that lasts
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You can find all these P&G brands like Olay and CoverGirl at your Walmart's everyday low prices.

And one lucky gal has a chance to win a $25 gift card to use at Walmart where you can save on beauty items that you love and that keep you looking your best.  Enter below via Rafflecopter. Good luck!!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

“The Walmart gift cards and information have been provided by P&G.” 

Jun 22, 2015

Celebrating firsts

This past year we have been celebrating a lot of firsts.  Yesterday we got to celebrate our first Father's Day.  It was a great relaxing day.  I made breakfast in the morning then later we headed to hubs favorite restaurant where we were able to watch both the FIFA women's world cup game and Copa America game.

It's amazing how here we are in June already.  This year seems to be flying by right before my eyes. This year also can officially be marked as the year of changes.  It has been a very trying year for me. I don't think I have been through so many road bumps in such a short amount of time and I'm still in awe that I am walking around with a smile at times on my face.  I am also not entirely sure how much I have left in me before I break.  Somehow God thinks I am able to handle a lot right now in life and I am having a lot of trouble seeing that... but I continue to walk through and hope for the best.

But this weekend, I realized that I have my friends and family who are in my corner when I'm happy and in my corner when I'm sad.... and for that I'm blessed.  Sometimes you just have to hold on tight and go for the ride.  Because let's face it, these trying times are just the start of many firsts to come...

Jun 15, 2015

Empanada Wing Day

What better way do you celebrate your friends birthday?  By declaring the day Empanada Wing day!

That's exactly what we did on Saturday.  I made empanadas and my brother made wings with different types of sauces and it was fantastic!  We drove up on Saturday to his place in PA and it was a flurry for me to pack everything up Saturday morning since we were spending the night.  The night before I ended up getting a migraine so took the new meds I have and those meds made me feel like my body was crawling out of my skin.  FUN.  But I managed to make hot sauce then went to bed so I can sleep the migraine off and prayed it would be gone by the time I woke up the next day.  So Saturday morning rolled around and I got up, showered and packed  everything up and out the door we went.  It wasn't until we were 5 minutes from my brother's house (1 hour and half drive later from home) that I realized I left the batch of hot sauce at home.  FAIL. So, the hubs had to go back out after dropping us off to get all the ingredients so I can make a whole new batch of hot sauce. There goes my time management skills out the window.  But in the end, the empanadas were made, hot sauce was made,wings were made and tummies were FULL. We all ate good and enjoyed some good laughs with everyone. The day was beautiful to be out side on the deck and got to spend some good quality time with friends and all the kids.

On Sunday we drove back home, ran some errands and finally were able to "relax" by around 9pm. LOL.  At least we were able to watch the season finale of Game of Thrones.  Does anyone watch? So much happened but it was crazy good as usual.  Sucks to have to wait for next season!

And here we are to the start of a new work week.  Working that grind like nobody's business and just trying to tell myself to just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

How was your weekend?

Jun 12, 2015

Hello weekend

After a week of work that sucked balls, I am even more excited to start off this Friday exactly at 12:31pm.  Thank GOD for summer hours because I don't know how else I would have survived this week.

At 12:31, the start of #cheesefriesfriday will begin.  Bunch of us contractors at work will be going out to enjoy some bevies and cheese fries from Outback since we realized two people from our group have never been, I know CRAZY.  So excited and just looking forward to relaxing and enjoying some good laughs to get our minds off of work shenanigans and into cheese fries shenanigans.

Then tomorrow my calendar has the day labeled as Empanada/Hot Wings day.  Meeting up at my brother's house with a bunch of close friends to enjoy good food and good laughs.  Again, talk about perfect timing because I definitely need to surround myself by positive people to push through some things.  I will be making a shit ton of empanadas and the hot sauce to go with it and other people I believe will be making a shit ton of hot wings and we are just going to have a grand ole time being silly with a few drinks in hand.  SO EXCITED.

Sunday should be a relax day watching the FIFA Women's world cup and I have about a gazillion loads of laundry of to do as well that has been calling my name.

What do you all have planned this weekend?

Jun 8, 2015

Life happens

This space... it's been a long time since I've visited this space of mine.

Life has been filled with lots of UPS and lots of DOWNS these past few weeks.  Not going to lie, life has kicked my ass pretty hard.  But I continued getting up and trying to move forward. So here I am, still kicking and breathing.  Amen to that.

My goodness so much has happened that I can't even recap it all. But most of all, I have been trying to enjoy life, both the good and bad.  Just being in the moment.  It's hard to just be in the moment when our lives are so consumed with to do lists, social media, and work.  But sometimes, we just need to forget everything else and have a little fun.

Well, I have been having fun.  My way.  The way I know best.  By just being silly old me and spending as much time as possible being with people who I love and making memories.  Every weekend we have been out and about and sometimes I tell myself that I need to slow down, but then I think about all the memories I have just created and think, why would I want to slow down and not have those memories?

Sophia has been doing great.  She has been doing physical therapy once a week and will start developmental therapy this week.  With the therapy, she has been starting to try to crawl.  When I put her down on the floor, she "swims" and has been sticking her butt in the air.  She will move backwards and pretty much turn herself around and even though she can't crawl, she is able to move herself enough to get into things already.  The word "No" is very common in our house now.  I still can't believe that she is already 9 months.  She eats like a champ, as in screams between spoonfuls because apparently we take too long in between. Ha!  She is growing up so fast now I feel and just wants to be mobile.  She won't sit still for two minutes! It just amazes me every day the new stuff she learns.

Work has been kind of hectic lately.  There has been a lot of reorganization going on and transitions so as you all know, it means there are so many things that are up in the air and everyone is just trying to get a handle of new way of doing things.

Sadie just recently celebrated a birthday and is 4 years old! I feel like it was just yesterday that I picked her up from the farm and brought her home.  My little puppy isn't a puppy anymore.  But she still has her spunk which I love.

We have a vacation planned for December and I really wish it was much earlier because waiting is making me go bonkers.  But it will be well worth the wait.  Also, it will be Sophia's first cruise so we are really excited about that! The one good thing about taking a cruise vacation in December is that we will be getting away from cold/snow weather for 10 days! At least there's that.

For those who believe in the power of prayer... I will ask that you keep a few things in your prayers tonight...

  • I just recently learned that a dear friend of mine is battling cancer.  Please keep her and her family in your prayers as they go through a very difficult journey ahead. 
  • I have a few potential things lining up all at once so can use some positive thoughts my way that at least one of them sticks and guidance on making the right decision.
  • I have three friends that are pregnant.. one is due any day now, the other one is midway and one is just going into her second trimester.  Please keep them all in your prayers for strength as they embark on their new journeys.  
As Ellen would say... Be kind to one another.

May 13, 2015

When bath time drives you to drink

All it took was bath time.  Sophia HATES it.  When I mean hate, I mean as in screams bloody murder while arching her back hate.  I've tried every time I give her a bath to push through bending over and putting all my strength in her just to hold her tight so she doesn't slip out of my arms from the slippery mess we both are.  How is it that babies become super strong all of a sudden?  I am at the point where I have no idea what to do but go through pretty much hell to give her a bath that last 5 minutes.  And last night, that's all it took.  It just took me giving her a bath with her screaming and crying and moving around.  That's all it took for me to slip right back into that "What the hell did I do to her that she hates it."  All I am thinking is, was it the premature birth that was traumatizing for the BOTH of us.  Then that brought back those memories.... and within 10 minutes of me sitting down with her while she slept after the horrific bath time, I spiraled down into the flash backs of what we both went through.  Just when I thought I was OK with it, I realized I wasn't.  I know I will never be.  But I honestly thought that moments like last night, where I felt like I was about to have a panic attack, wouldn't happen again.

I know that we both were one of the lucky ones, but the fact that we both went through a very traumatizing event is still very fresh in my mind. Day by day is what I need to remind myself.  Day by day.

Now, for your mamas, whether you had preemies or not, please tell me your bath time secrets... because I don't think I can handle another bath time. a mama out!

Now someone pass me my bottle of wine...

May 11, 2015

My First Mother's day

Happy Monday!

I don't know about you, but I was dragging my butt this morning.  How I managed to get my body moving and out the door this morning is beyond me.  But I did so WIN.

I was able to celebrate my very first Mother's day this past weekend and it was fantastic.  On Saturday, we celebrated at my mom's house.  Most of my aunts and uncles came over and my grandmother was there too.  We had so much.  There was tons of food and tons of laughs.  Sophia LOVED hanging out with her cousins and it was great because the only time I was with Sophia was to feed her, besides that everyone else wanted to hold her and take care of her.

Sunday morning Sophia was up at 8am... as if she didn't even party hard the night before.  Hubs went out to run some errands and returned with beautiful flowers, which Sophia wanted to eat.

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I received a gift from Sophia, Sadie and the hubs.  Love my necklaces from my babies and now I do not have to delete apps on my iPad to make room since it was so old thanks to the hubs.  I got a new shiny gold iPad!  Now to re-install all of the old apps that I enjoyed. LOL.

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We ended our Sunday night at a Red Bulls game while my mother in law watched Sophia for us.  It was a perfect ending to a fun filled weekend.  And a reminder how lucky I am to be a mom to my babies who bring such joy to my life.

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How did you spend celebrating Mother's Day?

May 7, 2015

Those moments

There are so many moments in life that I feel we sometimes take for granted.  The little moments that pass through which we pay no mind to because they are so small.  Then we have the big moments that we will always remember.  Some of these moments may be good, and some may be bad, and some may be sad.  Too often, people tend to ignore the sad and bad moments.  Why?  I keep thinking to myself, those moments are part of life.  They are what completes our purpose.

This past week and half, I have had some good moments and some shitty moments.  I keep telling myself, it's going to be OK Kenya, it's going to be OK. But I also realized that I need to stop and enjoy ALL of my moments.  Because they are gone too quickly.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring... none of us do.  I can win the lottery tomorrow (you never know!).  Or I can not win the lottery.  I can get great news, or get bad news.  Whichever way, it's a moment that happens which means I am ALIVE.

I am alive. I am on this earth once again for another day to enjoy the beauty.  For that, I am grateful.

Apr 29, 2015

All the Feels

This weekend was jam packed, as per the usual with us.

But Sunday was the highlight.  We got up early in the morning and headed to the March of Dimes walk in honor of Sophia.  She amazingly did well for me having to wake her up an hour before she usually gets up.  I was able to get her up, dressed, fed and out the door by 7:34am.  WIN.

We met up with our friends and family who met us there and let me just say, I was so overwhelmed with emotions.  I am so grateful for our friends and family who donated and joined us on Sunday.  Their never ending support is amazing and appreciated so much.

We walked our little butts off and had such a great time.  The team raised $1340!!!!!!  AMAZING.

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I am excited to start this tradition every year.  Next year Sophia will be able to walk! CRAZY!

Apr 22, 2015

Kicking my migraines in the ass

I can now add neurologist to the list of doctors I have seen in my life.

Yesterday, I finally saw one to talk about my migraines.  I have always suffered from migraines since high school, but in the last three years they have gotten worse.  Well, after I gave birth they have become unbearable. I have been getting 1-2 migraines a week lasting at least two days.  I tried everything I could.  Even acupuncture.  But nothing seems to work.  So I gave in and went to see the doctor about pain management with prescription meds.  We have a plan in place that may have to be tweaked as we go along, but I am just glad that there is a possibility that I will have some relief in the near future. I was very hesitant to take prescription drugs because of how strong they are, but I also am losing my quality of life because of these migraines.  I had to choose.  So here's to hoping that this new plan works.

Any migraine sufferers out there going through the same experience?

Apr 20, 2015

The Blogging Bug

It has been a LONG time since I've spent over an hour working on this blog and fix some bugs I have been having.  It brought me back to the first days of blogging when I would spend hours trying to figure out HTML coding and wondering how I managed to create a new background, but lose buttons and sidebars all at the same time.  Blogging sure has come a long way for me.

It's 11:13pm right now and here I am for the second time today writing on this blog.  Clearly whatever was holding me back from this space of mine has been lifted.  Not sure what it was.  It could be that today was tough for me.  Maybe that's what I finally needed to get my mojo back.  I felt myself today crawling into a hole I was digging.... because it's easy to do that.  It's easy to slip into the background.  Today I was just having a moment.  That's when I realized that I haven't done what I love to do... write in this space of mine.  The writing helps.  It makes me feel whole.  It makes me vent and also share good news.  It makes me who I am.  Blogging is a big part of my life.  For the last several years I have documented my life with you all.  The other day I went back and just started clicking on random posts to read.  I laughed, I cried.  My memories were always in my head, but having them written down helped me appreciate those memories. It reminded me of why I started this blog in the first place.

I don't blog for you, I blog for me.

And that is all I need.

VIP status, blates, baby shower and movies.... weekend rolled up into one

This weekend was jam packed.

Friday night we had a chance to be VIP at the Red Bulls soccer game.  Last season, season ticket holders where entered  into 30 days of giveaway.  Hubs and I were lucky to have won twice.  One of the prizes was a soccer ball, and the second prize was field seats for a game in 2015 season.  We chose Friday night and it was so awesome.  The seats we sat in cost $150.00 per person.  INSANE.  Thank goodness we won those tickets because we would never pay that much for one game.  When we arrived at the arena, we walked through the red carpet through the club doors.  They gave us wrist bands and VIP badges.  We then got escorted to our seats.  We were so close to the sideline that I can smell the sweat off the players.  Not really because that's gross but you get the idea of how close we are.  We had such a great time... we also had the privilege to hang out in the club lounge where there was free food.  Felt like a rock star. The best part, it was a beautiful night out and perfect weather.

Saturday we had a family blate!!!  Met up with Alexa and Nikki to have dinner with the husbands and babies.  Had such a good time and I still can't believe that #babybigtruck is going to be 1!!! Seems just like yesterday Nikki shared the news that she was having a baby!  Also, it was the first time that Sophia sat in a high chair at restaurant.... she's getting so big!

Sunday I had my dear friends baby shower to attend.  I have known her since my first real job and we have kept close ever since.  I am so excited for her and they are blessed with a baby girl so Sophia will have another play mate!!!!  She looked AMAZING.  The food was delish and her family brought in polish desserts which are fantastic!  Then after we dropped Sophia off at my mom's house who so kindly watched her while hubs and I got to enjoy a movie date to see Furious 7.  It was great and included The Rock which made perfect eye candy.

Somewhere in between that weekend I was able to get some sleep and battled another migraine... but I enjoyed the weekend the best I could so that's what really counts.

Hope you all had a good weekend.  Did you do anything exciting?

Apr 15, 2015

Call me Ken

Today you can feel free to call me Ken.  Since I sound like chain smoking man thanks to a cold I'm desperately trying to battle, I figured people can shorten my name to Ken.  That way, it goes with my manly deep voice I am sporting right now.

So I am walking around work in my own little fog.  I took some Mucinex this morning to help with the nasal congestion but I am not 100% sure if it's a non-drowsy medication, because right now I can fall asleep with my head up at my desk.  Surely this won't bode well when I have to drive home.  I don't know if I can make it throughout the whole day feeling the way I do. Sucks major ass.

Sophia was up at 5am this morning.  Thankfully I was able to put the paci in and she fell right back to sleep.  I also had to put the heat on because I didn't realize how cold it was going to get overnight.  She must have also been cold.  Who knows.  At least in my Nyquil drugged stage, I was able to fall right back to sleep for another hour before alarm went off.

Can I just ask you all to send some good vibes my way.  I have a couple of things I am working on and would appreciate good vibes.

Happy Wednesday and I hope you are not suffering from cold/allergies/sinuses like I am right now.  If you are, sorry and grab some soup and watch Netflix.  WISH I was doing that right now.

Apr 14, 2015

Because sometimes you just need a break

It's been a long time since I've visited this space of mine.  I won't bore with you excuses of why I was gone.  I just needed a break.  I can feel myself losing every fiber of me.  I have been trying to get back into a normal routine, but I think I realized that as a parent, there is no normal routine.  Something new pops up every day.  One thing for sure is that I miss this space.  I miss my connection with you all, and that makes me sad.  This is something that I did because I wanted to, not because I saw someone else doing it and wanted to copy them.  I did this for me, to write and be expressive about my life.  I won't say that I'm back for good because life doesn't allow guarantees, but I will say that I want to write alot more than I have these past couple of months. 

So onto the writing... let me give you a quick life recap:

  • I have purple hair 
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  • I have met my goal for donations for the March of Dimes walk in honor of Sophia.  Can't wait to walk with friends and family on April 26th.
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  • Sophia has been getting up in the middle of the night these past week and it's making hubs and I zombies.  I am pretty sure it might be her top teeth coming in.  Hoping we can get past this stage pretty quickly.  
  • I currently feel like shit today and  hoping I can get better ASAP. 
  • Sophia had an early intervention evaluation on Monday morning and it was determined that she qualifies for help in two areas out of five.  I'm glad we were proactive in getting the evaluation and ready for the next steps to help her "catch up".  But I had to relive my NICU experience and it really hit me again that I went through a traumatic experience.  But I am happy to report, that I am getting better day by day with accepting what happened. 
  • Sadie has been on medicine for a month since blood work showed she had elevated liver enzymes.  I am praying that when we go to back to vet for follow up, that blood work is good.  If not, there seems to be talks around liver disease.  I can't handle if my other baby girl is sick, this may truly put me over the edge.  My poor furbaby. 
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  • Work is good.  For once, I am actually caught up and the craziness has died down a bit which helped me really get my work groove on track. Here's to hoping I can continue to have a work groove.  
  • We may be booking our first vacation with Sophia for this year.... this could be exciting and also scary to travel with baby girl who will just be about one by that time. 
  • My migraines have gotten worse since I have given birth.  Tremendously worse.  So I have been trying acupuncture and can't really tell you if it's working or not.  But I am seeing a neurologist next week to make sure my brain is OK and there's nothing else that may be causing the severe migraines.  Here's to hoping I can get some relief hopefully soon. And hoping for good results. 
That seems to be life in a nutshell at the current moment... or as much as my DayQuil fog brain can manage to think up. 

Happy Tuesday my peeps. 

Mar 6, 2015

Guilt and Fear...what lives within me

There are so many things I feel so blessed for.  I have a loving family.  I have awesome friends who are always there to talk.  I have a husband who deals with me at my  best and at my worse.  I have a beautiful daughter who has truly shown me the definition of lucky. Life has been pretty good.  But with life comes the dark moments, some that are shared and some that are not.  Those dark moments can either break us or make us.  Needless to say, I have had dark moments, just like every single one of you.  It's normal and part of life.  But it doesn't get any easier to handle. Steps that I have taken to try to combat those dark moments have helped me in realizing who I truly am.  Today I want to share some of them with you because if you are going through something similar and need someone to talk to, I'm here and totally get it.

I gave birth to a preemie.  The guilt that comes along with that is IMMENSE.  You can't help it.  There is no way of not feeling like you failed your body, your baby, your husband, your family... and your SELF.  I will tell you that I have cried more tears that I ever thought possible.  To this present day, I have cried tears.  I keep telling myself  "What did I do wrong to cause this to happen?"  I blame myself every day.  I ask all the "What if" questions and drive myself nuts.  I have made this fear worse by just digging myself a hole deeper and deeper that I am pretty sure reaches the earth's core. That's how bad it was.  No one around me truly understands, unless you're a NICU mom that went through similar trials.  Do you know how many times I have to stop myself from screaming when people would ask me why did it happen and if there was something I could have done differently.  Clearly, if it could have been avoided I would have done that.  But guess what, it took me a long six months to come to peace with that there was NOTHING I could have done.  What happened to me just happens to pregnant people, whether they have complications or a perfectly healthy pregnancy. Whether they are overweight, underweight or just right.  Whether they are vegan or eats bacon for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  It just happens.  But people don't see it that way.  I know when people hear the story they are probably saying in their head that maybe I should have lost some more weight before I got pregnant, maybe I should have eaten healthier during the pregnancy, maybe I shouldn't have worked so hard during the pregnancy.  Maybe I should have done more holistic things during my pregnancy.  Maybe I shouldn't have drank the caffeine when my migraines would hit that would literally keep me from getting out of bed during my pregnancy.  Maybe I shouldn't have taken Tylenol for pains/migraines during my pregnancy.  Maybe maybe maybe maybe.  That's all I hear.  Even after I spoke with my doctor who told me that THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO AVOID IT, I still didn't believe.  Even after reading articles in medical journals about preecamplasia, I still didn't believe that it wasn't my fault.  But thanks to my active participation in a support group for NICU mamas, it has been getting easier to peel off the layers of guilt.  It's not completely gone but I learned I need to stop blaming myself.  The guilt is something all NICU mamas feel.  For us, it's normal and just something else we have to battle.  I can tell you that I am still battling, but my fighting skills have gotten much better now.  It get's a bit easier each day and for that I am grateful.

Once you have a baby it becomes an instant prompt for people to ask when are you having the next one.  I ask myself this question every day.  Will I have another one?  I then feel like throwing up after thinking about it.  My pregnancy was not easy.  My birth experience was most definitely not easy.  The amount of stress and anxiety that courses through my body when I think about having another baby is ridiculous.  It shouldn't be this way.  It comes to me telling myself  "I don't think I will make it if I go through another preterm pregnancy."  Emotionally I won't be able to handle it. Yes, there is a possibility that I can have a full term baby.  But there is also a higher possibility of me going through the same thing again.  And I am afraid that if I do, it will break me.  It will break me hard where I don't think I or anyone else can pick up the pieces and glue them back together.  This fear is not easy to get rid of.  I know all I can do is pray and let God know what I can handle, but I am so afraid.  I am afraid to go through a traumatic experience like this again.  I'm afraid it will make me into a different person that I am not sure I would like.  I am just afraid.  I know other NICU mamas who decided after their first preemie that they were done having kids... because of the same fear.  I would love to have another baby... (we do need a boy for the hub's sake haha) but when that will happen is beyond me.  I will automatically be considered a high risk pregnancy.  That alone scares me.  Again, it shouldn't be this way.  That's what I am always telling myself.  But it is what it is and this fear is a work in progress.  One day this fear will subside.  When that day is, I have no idea.  I just hope it gets easier and easier as the days pass.

For anyone who has been through similar experience, I am here if you need to vent, cry, scream, laugh and share with.  I know it all too well.

To my friends and family, this may be a shocker to you that I feel this way, but please understand that I am OK and just going through the motions.  I have become pretty good at trying to go on life as normal as possible and not let this affect how I am when around people.  I've gotten pretty good at it with all the giggling and smiling I do.  I do know you are there to support.  But for some things, such as this, I decided to deal with it the best way I can and I was just not ready to come out with it.  I am not ready to involve other people.  One day I will be, but for now, keep doing what you do best, make me laugh and smile.  I appreciate every one of you.

This is life.  This is real.  This is what I finally got the courage to share.  Hardest post I have written, but I hope it helps someone else out there.  I hope this gives you hope that shit gets hard, but you will be OK.  For the time being, hang in there and reach out for support when you are ready to receive it.  Try to your best to get through the days knowing that it will eventually get better... and better.. and better.

Smile.... you are enjoying another beautiful day.  Be grateful for that and spread some positivity to someone else.  You never know who needs it.

Feb 23, 2015

It has been six months...

Sophia is 6 months old today.

You would think that by now I would have expected this, but I don't.  I still can't believe that I have a 6 month old.  Crazy.

For most mamas, celebrating every month is a joyous thing.  But unfortunately for me, it brings up the days leading up to Sophia's birth.  I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but those feelings will never go away.

This time six months ago I was laying on my side on a hospital bed struggling through contractions from my induction along with battling my blood pressure that was shooting up to the 200s.  I laid there in pain and fear because I had no idea what was going to happen.  I had no idea how giving birth at 33 weeks was going to affect my baby.  I had no idea what would happen if at any given moment, I was going to seizure because of the preecamplasia.  I had no idea if baby and/or I would make it due to how severe my preecamplasia was. That's a thought that no mother should go ever think of when in labor.   But it was a thought I was forced to think about... over and over and over again.

Such thoughts haunt me now.  There doesn't go a day without me thinking back to what happened to me six months ago.  I was scared. I was angry.  I was sad.  I kept saying to myself  "Why me?"  There are so many times in life that we ask ourselves that question.

Six months ago was the best and scariest day of my life.  But God has blessed us with a beautiful baby girl that as of now, is 100% healthy.  I can't ask for more than that.  

Happy six months to my daughter who truly has kept me going.... I promise to be the best mama I can be for you.

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Feb 17, 2015

Dear Life....

Oh hey!
It's been a while since I paid some attention to this little ole space of mine.  I won't even apologize because it just means I have been out and about trying to make it each and every day.  As I always say, if I can make it through the day with my family fed and alive, then it's a win in my book.  Being a new mom and juggling everything that comes with it is HARD work.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

Today I am going to give you bullet points because my brain is too tired from this three day weekend I just had.  Or it might also be frozen solid from the negative degree weather we have been having as well.  Or both. Anyways...

  • I can't believe we are halfway through the month of February already.  It seems like yesterday we just celebrated Christmas.  Now if only it would stop snowing.... 
  • Sophia has been doing great.  She will be 6 months old next week and I just can't believe it.  From my little 3lb preemie girl to a girl who loves to smile and giggle and drool like nobody's business.  My sweet miracle girl makes life so much better. 
  • 3/1.... this date has been hanging around my head for a while.  It's the deadline I gave myself to make a decision.  It gives me anxiety as we get closer to this date, but once it's here I just hope to have a clear mind and clear path.
  • 3/1 is also the hub's birthday.... which means I need to think about what we are going to do. 
  • I can't wait till Spring time is here because I need to get out of the house.  Walks in the park are calling my name. Also, I'm sure Sadie would like to run around in the dog park as well.  I believe she is also sick of this snow. 
  • My migraines have gotten out of control.  I have one that last two days... then I get a day break.. .then it comes back full force.  I am SO over it.  I try not to show it but trying to get through the day with a migraine is like shoveling snow with your bare hands.  I can't hold myself together anymore when I just want to crawl into a hole.  So big F U to migraines. 
  • My wonderful hubs bought me 3 massages for Valentine's Day.... I need to make my appt ASAP because I always walk around the house saying that Sophia has permanently broken my back.   Come to mama hour massage! 
  • The other day I was going through my Instagram feed and am grateful that I post so often because it brought me down to memory lane and made me realize how blessed I am to have enjoyed so many ups and downs... because that is what makes my life so interesting. I am so grateful. 
Ahhh.. life.  Gotta love it. 

Jan 30, 2015

Why I Blog

Seems like every once in a while I ask myself this question.  More because I have had people ask me and I know many other people probably are thinking the same thing but afraid to ask.  When I started this blog it was because I was a newlywed.  We were one of the firsts to get married from within our circle of friends so there wasn't anybody who can relate.  I started looking online for groups on to join and chit chat with other woman about their experiences.  That's when I learned that most of the woman on the boards had blogs so I decided to check them out.  I started following blogs and was just a reader for the first few weeks, then I took the plunge and decided to write about my life.

I never was worried about  sharing my life with strangers because I have control of what I share.  The amount I share on my blog is what is comfortable to me, which I have learned is not comfortable with other people on how they view it.  I have had many people come to me and say things as "you're sharing your private life to strangers".  I can see where they are coming from, but they also don't understand the blogging community.  Yes, I share my life with my strangers.  I am OK with that.  I don't need you to be OK with that.  But then again, you share your life on FB and let's face it, about 75% of your "friends" are pretty much strangers to you too.  So same difference?

The best thing about me blogging is the community I am now a part of.  I have grown up with fellow bloggers where we all started out as newlyweds and here we are now as parents.  We've been through the same journey together and I have made some really great friendships along the way.  Everyday I talk to a group of girls that I became close friends with through blogging.  Literally, we group chat every day and I love them so much.  They are all amazing.  If it wasn't for blogging, I wouldn't have their positive friendships in my life and let me tell you, I would be missing out.

I guess there is no real answer to why I blog.  I don't do it for the sponsorships, for the free swag, for the conferences... I do it for me.  I blog because it makes ME happy. I blog because I want to share my experiences with other people.  I blog to make people laugh.  I blog because it helps me in figuring out who I truly am. I blog because I love to write.  I blog because I speak more openly.  I blog because I want to be part of the community.  I blog just because.

Why do you blog?

Jan 26, 2015

Things that happen before a big storm hits

I am pretty sure you have heard about this "historical blizzard storm" that is going to hit the North East Tuesday.  Well, I live in NJ so we are smack dab in the middle of it.  But what cracks me up about these big snowstorms is what people do before.  Sometimes I feel like people believe the world is ending. Here's a list of what has been going on the past two days by neck of the woods:

  • People run out and buy bread and milk.  I get the bread, but what people don't realize is that with big storms like these, the power going off is a big possibility.  So all that milk they buy can potentially go to waste.  What they should be stocking up on is water... which I barely see people do.  
  • People run to Home Depot to buy shovels and salt and then throw a big hissy fit when they are sold out.  WE LIVE IN THE NORTHEAST.... you should be prepared BEFORE JANUARY with shovels and salt.  So, get your shit together. Yell at yourself for waiting till last minute and not at the poor Home Depot representative. 
  • The weather people get CRAY CRAY.  This is like the best day ever on the job for them.  The pure excitement you see out of meteorologist is pretty amazing. This is what they live for. 
  • Everyone will post pictures of the snow all day long.  Not going to lie, but I have done this as well... but for me is to show all of my blog friends who don't experience it to see. LOL
  • The news channel blow the storm out of proportions 95% of the time.  So far, I  have heard that our area will get somewhere in between 18 to 36 inches of snow.   Everyone says something different. 
  • Jobs close down and every adult feels like a little kid jumping around saying we have a snow day. Then the reality hits when they have to grow up again and go outside and shovel a gazillion inches of snow. 
  • People get bored and cabin fever... so they either eat all the emergency food they bought within one day or make love which results in 10 months from now a boom in babies being born. 
  • Someone will fall on snow/ice every 3 seconds around the northeast. 
  • Kids make the snow days so much better because they are so happy and anxious to play that as an adult, you ditch the shovel and play in the snow for a little bit as well and relive your elementary school days 
In all honesty, it's suppose to be pretty craptastic here.  So for all my Northeast bloggers, I pray you and your families are safe during this storm. 

Have a great couple of snow days! 

Jan 23, 2015

It has been 6 years since....

6 years.
6 years.

I keep repeating that in my head over and over again. It has been 6 years since I became a blogger.

I can't believe it.  I look at this little space on the internet that is mine and am amazed at how much this blogging gig has impacted my life.  From my very first post, my main goal was to make people laugh.  To this day, it is still my main goal.  From getting no comments and knowing abosulutely nothing about blogs to making lifetime friends and having an amazing support system from my blog family.  I guess it's safe to say that this blogging business is a perfect fit for me.  I am sure not all of my friends get it, but I get it and that's what matters.

I love writing and never realized how much I loved it before this blog.  When I come on here and post, I do it for myself.  These are my memories that I am willing to share with anyone out there who can relate.  I choose to do this because it makes me happy.  That's all I need.

So thank you to my blog family for always supporting me and being there.  To all of my blog friends, I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Happy Friday bloggy peeps.  Now, let's get this work day over with so we can get this weekend started.
Woop Woop.

Jan 14, 2015

Because a confess sesh is all you need sometimes

Thank goodness for humpday confessions coming back thanks to the lovely Melissa!

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I confess...

I try to justify why I should have a glass of wine.... every day of the week. 

I am way too excited for this 3 day weekend coming up.  I need the time to reboot after this week. 

I really need to stop cracking my knuckles.  It's such a bad habit.  

I had about 10 Hershey kisses for breakfast the other day.  And then I wonder why i'm fat. LOL.  But it was totally worth it.

I am excited to see family that I haven't seen in a while on Thursday, but sad that a funeral is what will bring us together.

I can sometimes make myself feel isolated when I shouldn't.

I am scared of what this year will bring.  The unknown is freaking me out. 

I hate the feeling of not "being part of something".  

I give way too much of myself into whatever I am doing when I don't have a guarantee that it will be worth it.

I am way too anxious for the next two months coming.  I am hoping that a decision I had made is the right one... and if it wasn't, I will be kicking myself in the ass for the rest of the year.