Feb 18, 2021

The Notion

Today was jam-packed with a day full of meetings. There is so much going on and I just felt like I didn't have time to take a breath.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have a job especially during these times, but I'm still allowed to have a hard day. 

Speaking of hard days, today is National Wine Day, and how perfect it lined up with the day I had.  My girls' group chat decided to jump on a Zoom call to celebrate which was MUCH needed after such a hectic workday.  Sometimes you just need some girl time.  I've realized lately that I don't get as much of that as I need.  This whole notion of working from home, trying to navigate the crazy school schedule with virtual learning with a 6-year-old, and trying to keep on top of everything else that is "needed" from me is most def overwhelming.  The struggle I have had is I feel like no one else gives me credit for all I do, and I myself don't value the effort I am putting in. Can the effort always be more/better quality? ABSOLUTELY.  But do you need to give it you are all every single day during a pandemic? Nope. Want to know why? Because physically and emotionally I can't.  I have nothing left in me to give to people let alone myself.  People are always saying, you gotta take care of yourself before taking care of everyone/everything else first.  Well, that's pretty difficult when the minute you don't do something, no one else will and the family/life will fall apart in an instant.  I always ask myself, who is taking care of me? ME, me alone and I'm in no state to do that.  There are good days when things are going smoothly, then there are days when things are falling apart.  Of course, those hard days always seem to be the ones that get noticed and used against ya.  Like come on people, give us a break. Being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, etc takes a lot of effort and energy.  I just need to find out where I can refill my gas tank because there ain't no other help coming along the way.  

As I always tell myself, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  It doesn't really change anything but makes me THINK that I'm doing 1% better...so there's that. 

Feb 16, 2021

Here I Am

Hello old space of mine.  Man do I miss writing.  I honestly don't know what happened with this blog of mine.  I just stopped and have yet to figure out the reason I did. But all I know is that I miss it.  I miss the community, even though it's VERY different than what it was a few years ago.  But most of all, I miss writing feelings that I felt like my inner circle just wouldn't get.  This blog of mine was a special outlet where I actually felt like I wasn't alone.  

So, here I am.  

Will anyone read this? No clue.  But if someone does, then welcome back and I hope we both are able to share new experiences together and go through this journey of life, especially during a pandemic. 

Pandemic, who would have thought in the year 2021 I would be using that word.  

Wow, just wow. 

Mar 28, 2017

Oh stress

Hey there!  I know, it's been forever.  I'm not going to apologize because I keep doing that.  Sure you guys get it... life happens and this piece of the internet of mine gets put on the back burner because I have to adult with priorities.  But here I am, trying to find something that I use to love so much and being able to talk to you all about life... trying again to keep you in loop and keep me sane.

Stressed.  That's how I am feeling right know.  Work has been insane.  We went through a lot of major changes here within the last month.  About 250 people were laid off, and my manager was one of them.  That meant that our department got dissolved and I was moved over to a different team.  Now, I use to work on this team before I moved over to the role I was in so it wasn't a big difference for me.  I know majority of the work besides some changes they implemented over the last year and half. My manager is who was my manager when I was first on team so that makes it easy since she knows me well and we work super well together. She's also pretty awesome as a manager and great a mentor so I'm thankful to have that. But not going to lie, i'm struggling with the change.  It's hard when you work your ass off for year and half and then all of a sudden your role gets changed without you even having a say.  I feel like i'm starting all over again, even though I as told I wasn't.  But let's face it, I am... I need to "prove" my worth again in this "new" role of mine hence not being able to move anywhere at the moment.  Now, I work really hard at my job.  I no longer want to be comfortable or sitting on the sidelines.  I have this whole new outlook that I will work hard to get what I want so the struggle i'm going through right now is really hard.  There are a lot of changes happening in this place and I'm just not sure if this company has my best interest at heart along with a good fit for me anymore.  I know I have to give it time and I guess that's the hardest part.  So here I am in this limbo of trying to figure out what my next steps are.  Adulting is so hard.

I've taken some steps in order to get clarity of where I see myself next.  I have been honest with my manager with my feelings about the transition and where I am currently at and what my expectations are.  So I put it all out there.  ALL OF IT.  And now I just wait and see if it kicks me in the ass... or if it moves me in the right direction.

Negativity is also stressing me the eff out.  People make fun of me all the time saying "you are so positive".  Well, guess what people.... I HAVE TO BE POSITIVE.  I've been in shitty situations before and being negative doesn't help.  I don't want to people I work with look at me and say "Oh she's always negative, or complaining, etc."  because those people can be the same people who can champion for me for a promotion, or when applying for a new job or for recommendations.

So here I am, realizing that I've been sucked into a bad place where my stress and anxiety is taking over.  Well, today i'm going to punch it in the face and worry about myself.  I will remove myself from negativity and worry about myself doing a dam good job and becoming a leader in the near future.  Because it's what I want and no one else can accelerate me into that position but myself.

Also, doesn't hurt that we go on vacation next week for some much needed rest and relaxation.  Going to clear my mind and come back home with an action plan to get rid of stress, anxiety and move forward in my career.. whether that's staying where I am now or looking for new opportunities.

Wish me luck. :)

Jan 24, 2017

Struggling

My calendar reminded me that yesterday was my blog anniversary.  Crazy how time flies.

Obviously, lately I have ignored this little blog of mine.  It's been hard to find the time to sit and write.  To be honest, I'm scared to write. I'm scared of what I may say.  I'm scared of realizing that when I write, my true feelings come out and quite frankly, half of them I just want to keep stuffed deep down inside and not deal with it all.  The mark on the calendar though is making me remember the reason I started blog in the first place.  Because I was searching for a community who I can relate to.

So today in an effort to attempt to reconnect with you all, I'm going to list my struggles.  The struggles that have prevented me from blogging and from even living.

I'm struggling with getting it all done as a wife, mother and woman.
I'm struggling to keep myself motivated at work.
I'm struggling with anxiety that has reached an all new peak.
I'm struggling with balancing my time with everyone.
I'm struggling with knowing who I am and my worth.
I'm struggling with writing.
I'm struggling with coming up with new recipes to cook dinner every night.
I'm struggling with the thought of maybe trying to have a second child.
I'm struggling on researching a simple place to go on vacation.
I'm struggling with my migraines that are getting progressively worse and are starting to become debilitating.
I'm struggling with major things and minor things, as you can see from the list above.

The struggle is real.  But it's part of life that we must always have.  I'm trying my hardest to overcome these struggles and what I have quickly realized is that some of the struggles have quick fixes while others take a long time.

So from here on out, baby steps to tackle each of my struggles.  I'm sure I will find new ones along the way, but hoping I'm in a better head space to deal with them head on.

What are you struggling with today?


Nov 14, 2016

Wine + Pottery = Fun Girl's Day

You know those Monday mornings when you wake up and can tell yourself "I had a great weekend".  I woke up with that feeling this morning.  Spent this weekend with close friends and it was a fantastic time.

Saturday we had a surprise birthday party for one of our best friends.  He was definitely surprised because when he walked in the first thing that came out of his mouth were "What the fuck" as we all yelled SURPRISE in his face.  We ate a fantastic dinner and then continued to stuff our bellies with really good dessert.  It was so nice to just be together celebrating a joyous occasion.. especially after all the negativity that has been happening in the world this past week.

Birthday Boy
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And can I say there is nothing cuter than the below picture.  Sophia was so excited when GG came over.  They played all night!
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Sunday we had a girls day planned.  Sis-in-crime takes pottery classes and was able to set up a private session.  Best part was that we were able to bring wine along while munching on snacks that were provided.
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This was the best experience EVER.  Can I tell you that the owner at Madison Mud was FANTASTIC.  Like, she was so down to earth, hilarious and had the patience to deal with us ladies who were in need of a day out.  But honestly, if you live in NJ you have to go check out her place.  We each were able to make 3 pieces.  Two of the pieces were on the wheel and the other was a hand building piece.  So much fun!

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Nov 11, 2016

Currently

Currently....

Reading Search Inside Yourself.  This book was gifted by my director to help with my individual development plan.  So far it's good and has witty humor in it.  Nice book to change your mind of thinking.

Listening to Telescope song from the show Nashville.  I LOVE the show and love the music even more.  So currently on Spotify I am listening to the Nashville cast channel.

Watching too many shows on TV.  TV is my weakness and makes me "escape" real life, so I'll take it.

Excited for vacation for the week of Thanksgiving!  We booked this cruise two years ago with our friends and it's finally almost here.

Celebrating that I made it another day.  Work has been stressful and being a parent to a toddler is not easy either.  So my motto = If we wake up the next day fed, clothed and alive... I won.

Wearing jeans and comfy shirt since I feel like shit right now.  Days like today is when I'm glad we have a casual dress code at work.

Discovering that I am getting sick thanks to a toddler who has been sick this week.

Annoyed by all of the negativity that is around about our President Elect.  Just when you think the world is at a better place... you realize that we have somehow reverted back to our old racist ways.

Starting to look at new opportunities for my future.

What are you currently up to these days?

Nov 9, 2016

Move Forward

History was made yesterday.

Now, whether we like it or not.... there's one thing we can ALL agree on.

WE. MUST. MOVE. FORWARD.

It is what it is.  The people have spoken, as we do every election.

A President was chosen.

Now, we must think positive that the President will lead us on a good path.  Yes, that path may have a few speed bumps along the way.  Yes, we will say we should turn right and the President will say no, we need to make a left. We will disagree.  We will agree.

WE will move forward with hope for our the country we live in.