I don't want people thinking that my little post here is me being ridiculous or not understanding. I am writing how I currently feel, which some of you may understand and some may not.
I sit here currently 6 months pregnant. I can't believe that we are over the halfway mark to hopefully meet our little girl. But let me tell you, this whole pregnancy and bringing a child into this world is daunting. Yes, hubs and I spoke about it and decided we would try. We said we would see what happens. No tracking to see when it was the best time to conceive or anything like that. We had fun and whatever God thought was the right time, it would be. All it took was 3 months being off of birth control pills for this pregnancy to say "hello" to us. It's funny because when we made the decision, I seriously thought it wouldn't happen so quick. I was on birth control for about 11 years straight before we made our decision. The doctor told me that we have to try for at least a year before we can think that maybe something is wrong if we didn't conceive. Given I was on birth control for so long, I thought it would take more than 3 months for my body to get back to "normal." Well, I was wrong. All it took was 3 months and that moment I found out I was so happy but at the same time almost had an anxiety attack. My thoughts...
"It's so soon."
"This happened so fast."
"Holy shit am I really ready?"
"OMG will the hubs be happy or freak the eff out."
"Are WE ready for this... like are we REALLY ready for this."
All these emotions mixed in with hormones raging out of control have led to many nights where I sit by myself and freak out. I legit cry. Then talk myself out of crying because I'm ridiculous. But then anxiety attacks start to creep up again because we are bringing a human into this world. How can a person not freak out about this?!??! It's insane!
And here I am at six months pregnant still freaking out. I'm pretty sure I will freak out until this child gets married. And the biggest question I ask myself all the time: Will I be a good mother?
I don't even know where to begin. My fears...
- I will raise my child the best I can, and they will turn out to be the worst child ever. No morals, no values, no care.
- Will I be a good wife while struggling to get my life in order toting a kid along. Let's face it, I'm not the best wife. I know that. Hubs doesn't tell me I am. I am doing the best I can... and lately I have been failing more than anything. But at least I am trying to get out of the rut because a good wife makes a good mother right?
- Will I have that mother intuition?
- Will the hubs and I survive the first year of being parents? Bringing a child into the mix is a huge transition. Will we make it?
- Will I smother my child and be that over protective mother? Or will I let my child be free and hope for the best? Or will I find a happy medium in the middle?
- Will I bond with my child the first time I see her? Or will it just be "here's your baby girl!"... and I will say "oh OK."
- Will I be able to breastfeed and if I am unable to, will other people judge me because of that? Or worse, will I judge myself?
- What if my child becomes very sick, can I handle that?
I feel like this is a subject that not many moms to be talk about because I guess you can say it's scary and depressing. But it's reality. This is my reality at the moment. As I write this blog post, baby giggles is kicking the crap out of me today. It's like she knows that I have doubts about being her mom. But somewhere in between those kicks I also remember how lucky I am and that I may not be the best mom, but I will be a mom who tries her dam hardest to give her a good life.
The world is a scary place.... here I am another day facing the daily fears.